October 9

I've been in kind of a funky mood today...tired, bored, restless, uneasy. Is it the weather? No, it's been beautiful, a warm, sunny Fall day. Is it because of my crazy schedule? Well, maybe the tiredness, but not the rest of it.

And then it hit me just a little while ago. October 9. Of course. This was my wedding anniversary. For 25 years, it was a date that was celebrated and enjoyed. Now it's a day that brings on feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, loneliness. It's been seven years since my husband and I split up....seven years since I came home from work on a Friday afternoon to find he had packed up all his belongings in his truck and was waiting to tell me he was leaving...seven years since my life completely changed. Just when I think I'm finally over it...just when I believe that the hurt is gone...something happens to bring it all back again, like looking at the calendar and seeing what day it is. Maybe there are some things you never really get over.

For the most part, I'm very happy with my life. I'm a strong, independent woman -- always have been. That's how the women in my mom's family are. After all, my grandmother Sara was our example. She came to this country from Russia as a young girl, never even learned to read or write English, but spoke it fairly well (mixed in with some occasional Yiddish). She was widowed when my mother, the youngest of five children, was only four years old and Grandma ended up raising them all on her own. She never remarried, she supported them by herself; but every one of her children was successful in his/her own way. She did well by them, just as I try to do well with my sons.

Seven years....so much water has passed under the bridge in that time. There have been a lot of trying, terrible days when I just wanted to shout "Stop the world, I want to get off!" I couldn't, though, because even though my sons were "grown up", they were devastated by their dad leaving, especially when a year later, he moved 3000 miles away! So I've been strong, not just for their sakes, but for mine, too.

I'm in a pretty good place now -- retired from one career and working on my second, surrounded by friends and family who love me, dealing with my two adult sons on an adult level now. I live by my own schedule, do my own "thing" and don't really have to worry about whether or not anyone else approves of it. I'm happy, and I know in my heart that the dissolution of our marriage was inevitable, whether he took the first step or I did. It had been in the cards for a long time, but that didn't make it any easier. And even though my life is better now, there are still a lot of long, lonely times, especially in the evenings, when all is quiet. Hell, I don't even have the dog to snuggle up to any more!

So forgive me for wallowing in a little self-pity tonight. It doesn't happen very often...but it usually happens at least once a year. On October 9.