Mother's Day

It's been a long time since I posted on my blog. The last six weeks have been so busy between tours, chorus competition, scrapbooking, family, etc. The tour season is going pretty well. I've had some great groups and just one that was obnoxious and rude to the point that I'd rather not work with them again. For the most part, it's been great so far.

The diet is going well, too -- I'm down about 19 pounds from when I first started Weight Watchers. It's been slow and mostly steady, with a few detours along the way. All of the walking on my tours is really helping, but sometimes it's hard to stick to the program when I end up eating out so many times in a week. Still, I'm doing the best I can and making good choices most of the time. Yesterday I was even able to wear a pair of denim capris that were too tight last year, so that was encouraging.

So you're probably wondering what has compelled me to write today when I've been "silent" for so long. Easy enough to answer -- it's Mother's Day, a day filled with mixed emotions for me. I have two wonderful, grown sons whom I love dearly and who love me. We have a great relationship, albeit somewhat long distance these days. Dan lives about 3 hours north, so I certainly won't get to see him today, but he's already called this morning and we had a nice, long chat. Paul lives about an hour south of me and I spent most of yesterday with him, so I told him not to make the trip up for a visit today. He just came back from two weeks of training and has a lot of catching up to do before starting work again tomorrow. I completely understand why I won't be with my children today, but that makes it feel like just any other day, not like Mother's Day.

My own mother died in 1978, so it's been over 30 years since I've been able to spend the day with her. I used to go to the cemetery each year on Mother's Day, but stopped doing that a while ago. I was there a few months ago to visit, so that will have to do. I do think about her and wish she were still here, but that's beyond my control.

So why does this day feel so sad rather than happy? It comes down to one simple thing -- my granddaughter, Taryn. If you've read my blog from the beginning, you know I've written about her before. She's Dan's daughter, but without going into a whole, long explanation, let me just say that her mother, Liz, has kept her completely away from our family for almost four years. Yes, there's a custody agreement in place (Liz and Dan were married for only a year), but the two of them agreed that she wouldn't ask him to pay child support if he wouldn't ask to see Taryn. Dan moved away shortly after the divorce was finalized and he has moved on with his life. He is in a wonderful relationship with a lovely woman who has three little girls and I love all of them. I hope someday the two of them will get married, but in the meantime, Dan considers them to be his family. Still, that doesn't heal the aching in my heart or the emptiness I feel because I don't get to see my granddaughter.

The last time I saw Taryn, she was about 10 months old. She was crawling, pulling herself up to a stand and starting to take some steps if you held her hands. Now she's almost five years old! Think about everything I've missed! I think about it every single day of my life. I almost got to see her last June. I was at the American Cancer Society Relay For Life and it turned out that Liz was on a team, along with her mother, and had brought Taryn with her. My sister and friend saw them and tried to talk to them, but as soon as Liz realized I was there, she scooped Taryn up and took her home. How can someone be that cruel? I've never done anything to her or the baby to warrant that kind of treatment. For whatever reasons, Liz may hate my son, but that doesn't give her the right to hate me! All I've ever wanted is to get to know my granddaughter... to get to spend time with her...to have the chance to love her. My friends and family tell me I have to let go and, maybe, when Taryn is 18, she'll come looking for us. Easy for them to say...impossible for me to do. I don't know if I'll even be around when she turns 18, but even if I am, I will have missed the most important years of her life!

What can I do? From the research I've done, I have rights as a grandparent, but the State of Maryland will go along with the custodial parent's decision unless I can prove that Taryn is being abused. I know that's not the case; she's very well loved. Lately, though, I've been thinking about talking to a lawyer to see if anything can be done. What's been stopping me up to now? Liz has threatened to go after Dan for the money he owes if I do this, and I don't want to put him into that position. There's no way he can afford to pay the back child support, even though I doubt she'd win her case. She broke their agreement first by refusing to bring Taryn to our home for visitation. It was after that when she and Dan came to their unofficial agreement. Still, she's mean and vindictive -- as her behavior at Relay last year proved once again -- so I wouldn't put it past her.

So here I am again...another Mother's Day and no granddaughter to visit me. It's the same old story, but there's a little bit of a twist this time. I do have a great-niece, Hannah, who is 9 months old. My niece and sister have been wonderful about allowing me to be a part of her life, but it's just not the same. I love Hannah dearly and have since the day she was born, but now she's crawling and babbling and pulling herself up to a stand...exactly the same things Taryn was doing the last time I saw her. So as much as I love Hannah and the rest of her/my family, it is also very hard for me to be around her because of the memories it brings back. I watch my sister and brother-in-law play with her and the joy they feel as grandparents, and I'm so envious I could just die. I hate feeling this way, but I can't help it. I think that once Hannah gets past the stage that Taryn was at -- once she is walking and talking -- it will be easier. Until then, I'll smile and laugh at her antics and try not to think of the little red-headed girl -- the one who looks so much like my son -- that I can't be with today or any day.

Lest you think I don't appreciate that it's Mother's Day, let me say how thankful I am to have two grown sons who are healthy, happy and gainfully employed...who are living on their own (with only an occasional request for help)...and who worry about me. I love you, Paul and Dan. It's just that I have a lot more love available and wish I could share some of it with my granddaughter.

'Tis the Season

My life began anew today...my life as a tour guide, that is. This evening was the first day of my first student tour of the 2010 season! Hooray and hallelujah! Boy, it sure felt good to be back out there leading a group, telling them about our Nation's Capital and sharing the sights. And, I'm pleased to say, I've still got it! Sure, I spent a little time this morning going over my notes on the memorials and other sights, but once the group arrived, everything fell into place and I felt right at home.

The group I'm working with through Tuesday is from Idaho and it turns out that I've had them before. I kept thinking when I looked at the name of the middle school and the group leader that they sounded familiar, but when I looked back over last year's materials and schedule, they weren't there. So, there I was at Union Station, waiting for the group to arrive to have dinner, and as they stepped off the escalator, the group leader saw me, hollered out my name and gave me a big hug! I was right -- I did know them...but they were last here two years ago, not last year! They're from a small school and don't come every year. But they remembered me and requested me as their tour guide. I think that's the greatest honor and feedback that you can get from a group!

We had dinner at Uno Pizzeria (where I was very good on my diet), then headed for the World War II Memorial and Washington Monument. I could just feel that warm, familiar glow come over me as we drove around the city and saw all the buildings and memorials lit up. It doesn't matter how many times I see them -- and this is my fourth year as a guide -- it always sends a shiver up my spine. Washington, DC is a beautiful city, especially at night! Standing in front of the WW II Memorial, you can see the Washington Monument and all the way down to the Capitol looking east and a magnificent view of the Lincoln Memorial to the West. What a sight!

After that, we went over to the White House for a photo opportunity. The group leader had never seen it at night and was a little hesitant, but was delighted when she saw how beautiful it is all lit up. Of course, there were a gazillion pictures taken of the group in front of the White House -- heaven forbid they should actually share digital images! LOL! Every group I've been with is the same when it comes to that issue. You'd think they could designate one or two "official photographers" to take the group shots and pass them along to the rest, but everyone wants their own version on their own camera. It's okay, really. Some of them will never get another chance to come to Washington, so I want them to be happy!

That was it for tonight. These kids and adults have been up since 3:00 am Idaho time -- and with the switch to Daylight Savings Time, some of them never slept last night at all! They were beat, so the bus driver (one of my favorites) dropped me at Metro, I headed home and the group headed for the hotel. It's a very nice group -- fairly small and lots of adults (almost as many as there are students) and very well-behaved. I can't wait to meet them again tomorrow morning as we start a very long day with a stop at the Capitol Visitors Center.

I'm in the groove again and it feels great! I'm sure my attitude will be quite different by the time May and June roll around, but this is what I love to do and I'm glad it's started up again!

Up and Down and All Around

Gosh, it's been kind of a strange week. I don't know why, really, but my mood has been going up and down like a roller coaster. I guess part of it is related to the weather. We haven't had any additional snow since the second blizzard, but everywhere you go there are mountains and mountains of the stuff! I'm sick of trying to weave around piles in parking lots, not being able to see around them when I'm at an intersection waiting for traffic to clear, looking at the "black snow" that's created by the plowing and car exhausts, having events (especially chorus rehearsals) cancel because of the snow. I guess maybe I have a case of the winter doldrums, but that's only part of it.

Maybe it's because my 59th birthday was Saturday. I'm usually pretty positive about birthdays, although I'm not into huge parties or anything like that. Since my father died at the age of 54 and my mom five years later at the age of 56, I figure that every day I live is more than they had and a cause for celebration. And yet, I look at that number -- 59 -- and I know what's coming in just 360 days -- the "big 6-0"! I am already in my 60th year and that seems unreal! I don't feel that old and I certainly don't act that old! I look back at what my mom was like before she died and it seemed like she was much older than her years. I guess a lot of it has to do with my perspective and perceptions; she seemed older because she was my mother. I wonder if my children feel the same way about me? Probably not because I'm a lot more active than my mom was in her later years. After all, I sing, I'm a tour guide, a docent, and I have a fairly busy life. Mom was still recovering from the loss of my dad, her soul mate, even five years later, and I think that took a toll on her. I lost my husband to divorce almost eight years ago and, at the end, we were anything but soul mates. I have moved on with my life and done pretty well on my own.

Still, I've spent a lot of time this week thinking about where I am in my life. My sister and I have talked about it together, too, since she turned 65 last month. It's a very strange feeling to know that the majority of my time on earth is behind me, not ahead of me. It's a perspective that I don't think about too often, but there's nothing like a birthday to put it in your head for a while. I go with my quartet and chorus to sing at a lot of nursing homes, including units for patients with Alzheimer's. I love to see their faces light up when we start to sing, but at the same time, I wonder if that's what lies ahead for me. Will I end up being one of them, waiting for some outsiders to come and entertain me? It's a frightening thought!

I've also been spending a lot of time alone during the past few weeks, what with the blizzards and all. It's been a year since Paul moved out, so I'm glad to say I've made it through my first year of solo living! Most of the time, it's good. I don't have to worry about anyone's schedule but mine. I come and go as I please, eat when I'm hungry, cook if I feel like it (not too often, unfortunately), watch whatever TV shows I want, etc. But just about every night, there comes a time when the loneliness becomes almost overwhelming. I'll be sitting at the computer visiting Facebook or playing games and realize it's midnight or 1:00 am...and then I recognize that the reason I'm still at the computer is because I don't want to go to bed. I'm tired and sleepy, but going to bed alone only emphasizes my loneliness. I'm not talking about sex; I'm talking about the comfort of snuggling up to someone you love or having a person to talk to about your day. When I get into bed, pull up the covers and turn off the lights, it's just me and the TV. (Oh, yeah, I talk to the TV...but it doesn't answer back.) I don't even have a dog any more to get in bed with me and give me comfort. These are the hardest hours of the day and sometimes, when I'm having a bout of insomnia (like I did one night this week), they seem to go on forever. Eventually I fall asleep and, with no place special to be in the morning, I sleep in as late as I want. The mood has usually cleared by morning, but this week, it seems to be lingering on.

Now, before my wonderful nieces, sons and friends decide they are going to make me their "project" and start looking for a match for me, let me make it perfectly clear: don't bother! Most of the time, I'm fine with being alone. I'm just going through a rough spell right now and I'm sure it will pass. I'm not interested in dating and, as I've said many times, if it's in the cards for me to meet someone, it will happen without anyone else's help. I have the most wonderful support system in the world! I have a great, close, loving family, a large circle of friends who go out of their way to keep me involved and active, and my work to keep me busy...at least, it will once the tour season kicks in again next month. Just allow me my little bit of time to wallow in self-pity and then I'll be my cheerful self again.

Life is a roller coaster. This week I'm at the bottom of the hill. Who knows what next week will bring? I'll just have to wait and see.

Winter Doldrums

Seven days. That's how long it's been since I've been out of my apartment. Seven days. One week. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes. 604,800 seconds.

So, why does it feel like a lifetime?

I've tried to like the snow, I really have. Look at my last post and you'll see how much I truly like it. Except I wrote that posting before "Round 2" of the "Blizzard of 2010" hit. I wrote that when I'd only been stuck inside for three days, not seven. I wrote that when all the white outside still looked beautiful and untouched and was only 24" deep...before we got another 20" on top of it!

In the last week, I've been outside for a total of 15 minutes. I haven't gone anywhere -- not for a drive, not for a walk, not even sledding (which I'm way too old to even attempt). I have been housebound. Yes, I had offers from family and friends earlier this week (between Rounds 1 and 2 of the storms) to come join them. I politely said no because I really am more comfortable in my own home. Solitude can be very nice...up to a point. It got old around Day 4!

I'm tired of watching TV. I'm tired of cooking. I'm tired of doing dishes (yes, Ed, I've been doing the dishes!). I'm tired of looking out the window at snow everywhere. I'm tired of sitting at this damn computer. I have plenty of things I could be doing, but at this point, I have such a case of the blahs that I really don't want to do anything unless it means I can get out of here! I'm a doer, a go-getter, a run-around-er. Sitting in one place for a week is almost like torture. Thank goodness I'm a law-abiding citizen 'cause I don't think I could ever cut it in a 12'x12' prison cell!

This is the longest amount of time that I've ever been alone; ever, as in my entire life! I've been talking to myself. I've been talking to the TV. I've been talking to the computer. I know I'm not completely over the edge because I haven't been answering myself, so I guess I'm okay. The only thing that has saved my sanity is that I discovered Skype this week, so I've been talking on the computer to family and friends. At least I'm seeing another face and they are talking back to me!

I still haven't dug out my car, but with the sunshine and a bit warmer temperatures today, about half the snow on it has melted off. I am determined to get out tomorrow, no matter what. I don't care how much snow I have to shovel. I don't care if I only get to drive two blocks, then turn around and come home. I am going to leave this development and see another part of the world...or at least, another part of this town. I am going to be free, even if just for a short time.

Because -- believe it or not -- the weathermen are already predicting more snow for Monday! Now, most of them say it's a small storm that won't amount to much, maybe 2-3". I remember when 2-3" of snow in the Metro DC area sent the entire city into a panic. Not this year! After setting an all-time record for the most snow in one winter [and it's ONLY February 11!], 2-3" seems like just a dusting. But there are some who are saying it could be more like 6-8", not as bad as the blizzard, but enough to keep me home again. Just thinking about another snowstorm puts a knot in my stomache!

Seven days. Tomorrow, I shall escape, just for a little while...because I'm not sure my sanity will make it through Day 8 if I don't!

More Snow

So, I look out my window and just about all I see is white. We had over 24" of snow on Friday/Saturday -- the blizzard of 2010! Some people are calling it "snowcropolis" or "snowmageddon"; personally, I'm just calling it a pain in the ass! And now we are under another Winter Storm Warning starting Tuesday at noon thru Wednesday evening, with a prediction of another 10-20" of now!

Now, don't get me wrong -- I love snow. It's nice when this area around DC has a couple of snowfalls during the winter, especially if they're less than a foot at a time, there's time in between them for the old snow to disappear, and I don't have anywhere I need to go. But this is getting a bit ridiculous! By the time Old Man Winter moves out of here, this may very well be the snowiest winter in the 150 or so years they've been keeping weather records!

Okay, I'm done complaining. I learned a long, long time ago that weather is one of the things we can't control...which is probably why it drives me crazy! Since I'm basically a "glass-is-half-full" kind of person, I'm going to attempt to talk about the positive things about the blizzard we just had and the storm that's coming up, as well as winter in general.

1. There are few things prettier in nature than freshly fallen snow, especially when you live near a wooded area like I do. The trees, grass, rocks, streams all covered with untouched snow are magnificent....Mother Nature at her best. Unfortunately, the humans have to mess it all up by shoveling, plowing, and turning the snow black from car exhausts. [Oh, sorry -- that was a little bit of negative thinking sneaking in.]
2. If I have to be outside walking around, I'd rather do it in snow or cold weather than in 95 degrees and 75% humidity! I have done both in my tour guiding experiences, and I'll take cold over hot any time! Fortunately, this week I haven't had any tours to worry about, so it's been a non-issue.
3. It's peaceful and quiet. Stand outside during a snowfall -- especially at night -- and you can almost hear the flakes hitting the ground.
4. It's a time when neighbors actually get a chance to visit with each other. It's also a time when human behavior seems to be at its best -- friends and family calling to make sure I'm okay, offers to pick me up and take me to the store or anywhere else, invitations for me to come and stay with friends or family so I won't be alone, neighbors helping out by shoveling snow. It restores my faith in humankind.
5. Memories....snow takes me back to my younger days. I remember several big snows when I was a kid. The blizzard of 1966 kept us out of school for a week. We spent hours and hours outside sledding, building snow forts, having snowball fights. Ah, to be young again and have the energy for all that. It brings memories of when my own children were little and we'd take them out to play in the snow, too. We lived in a townhouse until Dan was almost 6 and we were at the top of a long hill. Great sledding! And, of course, our own special family memory -- the Blizzard of 1993 that came on the day of Paul's Bar Mitzvah! We still talking about that one 17 years later!

So, snow isn't all bad. I know that many of my friends love it and are enjoying every minute and every flake. I guess that down deep I feel that way, too. I've spent a lot of time the last four days looking out my picture window as the snow came down and watching neighbors digging out. I especially like to watch the dogs jumping and playing in it. It makes me miss Cookie, my special mutt who died almost two years ago. She really loved the snow and would have totally enjoyed this winter. I do have to admit, though, that it's a relief that I don't have to worry about walking a dog out there right now. After all, we got about 24" of snow and I only have a 27" inseam, making it almost impossible for me to walk around where it hasn't been shoveled. If we really get another 20" on top of this, I may be stuck here until Spring!

My calendar has been cleared for the rest of the week. No rehearsal tonight, my Guild of Professional Tour Guides meeting for tomorrow was canceled, I found someone to take my docent shift at Library of Congress tomorrow, so I really don't have to go anywhere at all for the next few days. I have plenty of food in the house, firewood in case I lose power again, and plenty of things to keep me busy. That means it can snow all it wants, as far as I'm concerned.

Go for it, Mother Nature! But don't forget that in just 5 short weeks, I'll be out there walking around and leading tours again, so PLEASE get it out of your system now!